Crisp, cool breeze whispers through open window, gentle colors begin to peak through green foliage, as Fall arrives. Soft rain falls down, and tears slip silently as grief falls upon me.
It is so hard to be in this place... this house.
Memories creep up and bruise soul like grey and purpling skies.
This house of my childhood... but never home. Place I wanted to flee, place of unrest, place of anger, place of bitterness, place of sadness, place of lost innocence, place of deep wounding, place of chaos, place of bondage ~ house of loneliness.
Even so, my Lord has brought me back here and I know why. My Great Redeemer wants this place too. This part of my history that I thought would never be restored. He wants to break the legacy of this place - but O the fear that my children will be swallowed up in the darkness of my past.
And yet... I know He is here ~ my El Roi ~ The God Who Sees Me. (Gen 16:13)
I have always had the deepest longing to be understood - that our Almighty, Omnipotent, Omniscient, God would be small enough to meet me in the most hidden places of my soul. Calloused over places, ugly, messy, decaying. And He has met me there.
So it comes as no surprise He has brought me to this place too, this physical reminder. He has brought me here to clean house. And I am struggling, wrestling to release all.
Seeking refuge from these oppressive walls, wee ones and I walk through wet leaves, finding beauty in the season, and wondering at His creation. I speak of Him... to them, in everything we see. We collect small treasures to make into art ~ leaves, pine cones, flower petals, dandelions, acorns, bark. And then a small request, more a quiet wish from small lips... "how I wish we could find a feather mommy, to add to our basket".
"Pray about it jorja-girl, God will hear you."
We walk on... marveling at other delicate works of art, speaking of His greatness, and yet my aching heart so heavy, I fight overwhelming emotions as each step brings us closer to the place without peace.
And then I see her run through the grass, and pluck from it's blades, one dainty, perfect feather, placed there just for her, just for me, for different reasons, by God Small Enough.
"Mommy, He did it - God gave me a feather - He answered me!"
Yes child, and He answered me as well, even though I didn't ask. Once again tears flow down as I am remembered by my God Who Sees Me. He has brought Himself into the small details of my life and that of my daughter's, and Love overwhelms. He has met me beneath the deepest need. Comfort comes.
I watch her prance ahead, answered prayer in tiny fingers, and hear the most beautiful words she has ever uttered...
"I love you God."
Eyes brim, spill, but heart smiles, soul breathes, knowing ~ God Small Enough will never leave me... He is there waiting in that place. Ready to redeem, renew, and revive that house ~ making it finally, my home.
*answered prayer... will be saved, put away, brought out as reminder of All Mighty El ROI, who sees, understands, remembers, redeems, and makes Himself Small Enough to bring Love in form of feather.
