She plays back with my daughter trying to coax a farewell and I try to find Her eyes over my daughter's head - willing Her to understand. The denial of a goodbye hug isn't because she doesn't want to be held by Her, but because she doesn't want to let Her go.
"She's upset" I tell Her. My heart is gripped tight by pain so singular I think I might be crushed. I witness my daughter and her First Mother struggle to find peace, to find their place with one another and I do not belong here.
This is it... the moment feared most I think by many parents who have adopted. To be an intruder in their child's life. To bear witness to The connection they do not share with the child of their heart. And yet, my pain does hardly compare with that of my daughter and the woman before me. Theirs is the deepest of sorrows, shared alone by them, each bearing a different wound intertwined by the most difficult of decisions.
My eyes burn with tears as I watch Her so patiently, lovingly, with understanding, bend low and whisper words of life to my sweet, precious, girl. Love spills over, knocking down false bravado, and wee one decides to risk pain, and choose relationship over self-preservation - she hugs Her back and says "I love you too".
My eyes find Hers again, our cheeks wet with emotions only Love can bear. I am in awe of Her. To face this fear, the fear of rejection, to be vulnerable to deepest wounding - The strength of this girl, barely a woman, who gave life to my daughter, her daughter - I will never know this kind of strength.
What motivates us to open ourselves up to pain most feared?
Love.
Love for a golden haired girl, with soft, long, ringlets; eyes of green-gold; a giggle like silver bells; and a heart overflowing with grace for all. She is our motivation. What we - her First mother, and Last mother, believe to be best for her.
We will bear this now and whenever necessary in hopes for healing to come sooner for her in the future, knowing she will have access to answers from all she may need to question.
I am so thankful for Her. My daughter's First mother. For I know when deepest wounding surfaces for my daughter, She will be there, to help in any way She can.
Many people ask us how we can possibly have an open adoption. Why we chose this, and continue to pursue a relationship with our children's First families. Open adoption for us is only possible through the power of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Who through His own wounding has adopted each and every one that accepts Him.
We choose open adoption every day - because we believe it's what is best for our children. They have a right to a relationship with the ones who chose to give them life. They have a right to experience love from any person willing to bestow it on them. We could never withhold love for our children or from our children. We know everyone is not called to have an open adoption - but we are. And we thank God every day for allowing us to be a part of such a tremendous blessing.
Open Adoption is not comfortable. But we were never called to comfort were we?
We are called to love - unselfishly, without restraint, without consideration for what it may cost.
My daughter will know Love.
Our love, and that of her First mother.
She will know the Love of a Savior that gave all for her.
She will know a love beyond all measure - a Love that believes all things, hopes all things, a Love that bears all things - even this.
Ann asked us to blog today about listening to God ~
My word for this next year is the same as it has been for the last five, it is the word that has enabled me to live the above story, it also happens to be the same as Ann's...
"Yes"
"Yes Lord", that is my answer to everything asked of me, even those things that seem impossible.
My husband and I decided years ago, at the start of our adoption process that our response would always be positive, always willing, always yes, concerning our adoptions and other matters of life. We would leave the responsibility of opening and closing doors up to Him.
Some days, the only thing in me saying "yes" is my mouth... every other part of my being is pulling back, trying to hide, trying to protect, trying to reject - trying to control.
But I remember the commitment I made and so I return to the one. small. word.
"Yes"
So many things distract from truly listening to God. Not just hearing Him, but listening to Him - His heart on an issue.
For me, the best solution has been to surrender fear and follow His lead with a simple nod of the head, and a willing heart. For I cannot see the plans laid out before me, I do not possess the sovereignty required to always make the right decision, but I know if I place my life and that of my family completely in His hands, "Trust the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding, and in all my ways acknowledge Him, He will make my paths straight."
He will tell us when to say "no" - but first our answer must be "Yes."
To His ways, His time, His plan, His work, and His Love.
Without this decision 5yrs ago - this "yes" plan, we may never have adopted one child, let alone three.
Saying "Yes" first, has allowed me the freedom to truly hear God's heart on a matter, rather than wrestling with my decision on what's best. For God's plan is always best - even if the ultimate answer is no, not now, or never - I can have peace in knowing I was willing.
I pray that for this year and all those to follow, I will continue to listen to God, to the Still Small Voice, and even in the face of impossibility, I will surrender self and say -
"Yes."
