Mother's Day

I love Mother's Day... now.
For years it was one of the most painful days of the year. It is so hard to explain to those who have not walked the path of barrenness, what a day like "Mother's Day" does to the hearts of those with empty arms. And while now my arms are full to overflowing, there are three other women whose arms are now empty, missing the daughter that I now hold.

One of the blessings of open adoption, is I have been able to talk with all of my children's 1st moms, and all of them express confidence in their decision to choose adoption. But I can't help but imagine that their their hearts must experience the pain of their decision every Mother's Day no matter how at peace they are with the outcome.

The Saturday before Mother's Day is national Birth Mother's Day. On Sat. we are going to attend a ceremony and celebration at our agency for all first mothers. We will have the honor of attending and spending the day with Jubilee's first mom and older sister. I look forward to being able to honor her and every other first mom on that day. But even still - establishing a national holiday for first moms can't begin to take away the sting of actual Mother's Day, and my prayers will be abundant on that day for them. I would hope you will join with me in praying for them.

Many years ago, after we lost our only biological child to miscarriage, I wrote a poem on Mother's Day. I have never shared it before, but after reading it again, I can't help but think some of my emotions expressed in this poem may in some way reflect how first mothers may feel. I know many of them feel they have to hide their adoption story, and go unrecognized on mother's day as mothers. I believe they have every right to that title, and deserve to be honored as such. So I am including my poem in the hopes that it will be a connection between myself and other first moms that may feel like Mother's Day does not include them. I know what that feels like, and I will be praying for you all!

Almost Mother's Day

I write this on my first

"almost Mother's Day"

I write this for all women

who like me

were almost a mother.

We have no pictures

of our children to share.

We have no toys

littering the floor of our living room.

There are no small voices

calling us Mommy.

We do however have hidden away -

tiny shoes,

shirts,

hats,

and blankets-

folded up like our hope

unrealized but not forgotten.

On this Mother's Day,

my grief is overwhelming.

Well-wishers are all around me,

saying to one another

"Happy Mother's Day"

exchanging a knowing look, or smile

that does not include me.

And my heart constricts again and again.

I'll never know how many others

suffer through this day.

We mourn our children

silently, invisibly, alone.

No one remembers,

I was almost a mother.

No one remembers the life

that was almost my child.

We are not deserving of the title "Mother"

even though

like all mothers, today my thoughts dwell

on my baby - who would have been

seven months old.

Our almost children don't count.

I have a mother's love preserved inside my heart,

but that is not enough ~

I am still just a woman,

almost a mother.

5/12/02

I praise God for His deliverance - I praise God for making me a mother - I praise God for easing my pain.

"He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord!" ps 113:9