The Messy, Ugly, Redeeming, Beautiful
Some days I'm drowning.
Honestly... most days I'm drowning.
Funny thing about undertow... You can't see it - don't know the danger, until you begin to feel it's invisible pull, the mighty power, discovering you may never make it back to safety. Sometimes there are warning signs posted. You know the areas to avoid, or at least be aware of, watching for it. Even if you know there's danger, you still sometimes choose to take the risk, and swim anyway knowing if you can just get beyond the tow you'll be able to explore the beauty of the underwater reef as yet undiscovered.
Funny thing about undertow... You can't see it - don't know the danger, until you begin to feel it's invisible pull, the mighty power, discovering you may never make it back to safety. Sometimes there are warning signs posted. You know the areas to avoid, or at least be aware of, watching for it. Even if you know there's danger, you still sometimes choose to take the risk, and swim anyway knowing if you can just get beyond the tow you'll be able to explore the beauty of the underwater reef as yet undiscovered.
Adoption isn't easy -
Not for the faint of heart, not for those who think they are "rescuing" a child, not for couples looking to complete their family, nor for those that think the gratitude children feel about their adoption will outweigh any issues they have related to it. Adoption itself is not the healing salve for the deep woundings these children have endured.
Not for the faint of heart, not for those who think they are "rescuing" a child, not for couples looking to complete their family, nor for those that think the gratitude children feel about their adoption will outweigh any issues they have related to it. Adoption itself is not the healing salve for the deep woundings these children have endured.
Adoption is messy.
When people hear that God has created our family through adoption, their responses vary - but all somehow communicate what a "great" thing we have done, and how "blessed"="lucky" our girls are for being placed in our family. But if you dig down deep, and ask those of us that have adopted - we will tell you how blessed we are, and how great God is to have designed our family in such a unique way. But we will also tell you, we are no super heros. Whether we knew it or not before we started our adoption journey- we know now... the REAL work began when we brought our children home, "honeymoon" stage over, and we got neck deep in their woundings, their pain, their baggage.
There are people in our lives we "love" because - we're obligated in a way. Family members, church family, neighbors, our "enemies". We know God's word has told us to love these people. And for most of us, the love is only surface deep -not sincere, not biblical, and would falter if truly tested. We love them as long as it's not an inconvenience to our self-centered interests.
This kind of love will NEVER succeed with adoption.
My husband and I thought we were fairly well prepared. We had worked with at-risk youth for several years prior to having children. I did lots of reading, "preparation", knowing it was possible that our children would probably have some adoption-related issues even with us having brought them home straight from the hospital. We were willing to take the risk, jump in head first, knowing the end result would be worth all the struggle.
Sometimes your caught in the undertow before you feel the full force of it's power.
Some of the most profound woundings can occur before we've even taken our first breath, or in the minutes after. Some refer to adoption as "the primal wound". I would have found this hard to believe, if I hadn't experienced it first hand in my own family. Seeing how this fallen world has so deeply harmed my beloved children by just simply being created here is heart-breaking. The fact is; a substitution of mothers is not accomplished without trauma and loss. Both of which profoundly form how a child develops and views her world.
You see... my children didn't choose to swim through the undertow. They had no choice. They've been thrown in head first, and the invisible bonds of their adoption have them stuck. They suffer trauma physically, emotionally, and neurologically. They aren't capable now of understanding this impact on their life... and sometimes, it is truly hard for me to fully comprehend the depths of their pain and how it manifests in them.
We could have never "fully equipped" ourselves for parenting our beautiful girls. But I do know you can't lay your "yes" to adoption on the table before God, and then take it back when unexpected riptides tear at your plans. When you say "yes" to adoption, you also say "yes" to entering into their sadness, their trauma, their wounding. It is our responsibility to help them navigate their pain and find healing for their souls.
More days than not, I am weary to the bone. I often exclaim "Lord, how can I do this - I don't know how to help her. I'm not the right mom for this job." He then gently reminds me of His design for our family. We did not choose our children, He did. He chose to make us family - brought each one to us in His own time and unique way. I may not have the answers, but He has assured me and faithfully shown me that He will point me in the right direction to learn what they need, and find the answers.
We could have never "fully equipped" ourselves for parenting our beautiful girls. But I do know you can't lay your "yes" to adoption on the table before God, and then take it back when unexpected riptides tear at your plans. When you say "yes" to adoption, you also say "yes" to entering into their sadness, their trauma, their wounding. It is our responsibility to help them navigate their pain and find healing for their souls.
More days than not, I am weary to the bone. I often exclaim "Lord, how can I do this - I don't know how to help her. I'm not the right mom for this job." He then gently reminds me of His design for our family. We did not choose our children, He did. He chose to make us family - brought each one to us in His own time and unique way. I may not have the answers, but He has assured me and faithfully shown me that He will point me in the right direction to learn what they need, and find the answers.
One of my favorite quotes is "A mother's love liberates."
I can think of nothing more beautiful for my daughter's to be able to attribute to me. My life verses say it all - All my hopes, dreams, prayers for my girls, and my roll as their mother:
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good
news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the
brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from the darkness for the prisoners...
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in
Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of
righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His
splendor." - Isaiah 61
I pray for them to find healing from their hurt - liberation from their sorrow. I want to witness them grow and flourish in the Truth of who they are in Jesus, and watch as His light shines through them and brings Him all the glory.
I don't know what the future will bring.
I know the waters are deep, and the tow is relentless.
And I know - I will never, never, never, Give.Up.
Love never fails.
And they are worth all I have to give.
