I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings... and Why She Doesn't

I don't remember much of my childhood.
The every day living is fuzzy, clouded, absent.
There are a few snapshots I can replay, and they are clear as day, but the rest...
missing.

In place of memories- the feeling suffocates everything.
Shame.

I don't recall conversations with my mom full of wisdom, or life changing advice, though I'm sure there were many of those. But I do remember...
driving down the road when I was 11 or 12, listening to a radio discussion about sexual abuse. I turned their words over and over in my mind till finally the question forced it's way to the surface. I faced my mom and asked "Mom, did that happen to me?"

"Of course not honey, we would know."

I didn't know at the time why I was compelled to ask - I had no memory of anything, then.

But I knew the SHAME.
It was my constant companion- dictating all my thoughts, actions, beliefs - it shadowed my life, keeping me always in the dark, with the light just out of reach.
The Enemy used his weapon relentlessly until I took over the job and built my cage bar by bar - heaping up the SHAME till I was completely captive.

Faces blurry and dark - echos of a long forgotten defeated will - I didn't know I had lost my voice - pushed down long ago, pleadings suffocated - a little girl whose song was silenced. I didn't remember her. She was locked away behind layers of pain and self protection.

But GOD...

He didn't let me go.
He remembered the little girl,
now a young woman perpetuating a life of pain and shameful choices because Truth was buried deep.
But His timing was perfect, His way gentle, and He knew how to make the caged bird sing again.

I was at a coffee shop with a friend and a group of people came in and with them was an adorable, laughing little girl about five years old. I watched her play, interacting with her family as my friend went over to talk with them having realized she knew them from church. When my friend returned to our table, I commented on what a cute little girl they had. She replied,

"Yes, you would never know from looking at her that she has suffered terrible abuse."

My friend went on to explain what had happened to this precious child and deep within my soul a most uncomfortable feeling began pressing upon me. As her words fell away, emotions overwhelmed and I felt as though I was moving through a dream.


So on that very dark night, on the long drive home, Truth began washing over me, and horror settled deep as I turned to my friend and asked the gnawing question,

"do you think someone can have been abused and not remember it happening till years later?"

"yes"

There she was... little girl; raw, remembered, released - images flooded my mind and I knew my story, my truth.

Shame struggled for it's power and position, and fought violently as it's grip began to crumble - emotions warred inside, but I was determined to take His hand and walk out into the light - where shame had no dominion, where healing could begin, and Truth would not be silenced.

The hardest moment came - when returning home - facing my husband - I had to form the words, breaking open the shame that was my prison, finding freedom for the first time in the telling of my story.

This journey has been difficult - this breaking free - this living free.

I often find myself back inside the cage, Shame hemming me in. But my voice has grown stronger, He has returned my song to me, and I remember it well. So I continue the telling, and I sing again - because of Him.

My Jesus has overcome all - every ugly thing in this world has been defeated.

Freedom is mine -

But I must choose to walk in it's liberty.
I must choose to sing it's melody'
I must exchange the lies for it's Truth.

And remember, it was bought at great cost.




"You turned my wailing into dancing;
You removed my sackcloth and clothed
me with joy, that my heart may sing to
You and not be silent." Psalm 30:11-12
*beloved necklace... reminder of rescue, redemption, & freedom -
lisa leonard designs www.lisaleonardonline.com


*for the ones in my life, who have also found freedom in Him: "B","L","G",&"A"